I don’t feel so alone (Vanilla Twilight)

I only have a handful of true friends. They are the ones I like no matter what the situation. They are the ones that never piss me off. They are the ones that lift me up when I’m down or join in my rant-y mood. The other day I smiled for the first time when Katie waved to me and I saw that she was wearing black glasses with bushy, black eyebrows attached to them. She always does kooky things that brighten up my day and make me smile.

I have purposely been pushing myself to be an outcast. I’m certain that everyone in the school knows who I am (I get random people saying “hi” to me in the hallways), but I don’t think I want it that way. I’d much rather be in the background instead of onstage with the lights shining on me. I’ll talk to people if they talk to me, but rarely do I start a conversation. I mostly keep to myself. I like it better that way. Most days, anyway.

This past week I have been kind of sad. I wouldn’t say I was depressed, because that’s a long-term thing, but I was sad. And for no real reason at all. Problems that my family was and still is facing are out of our hands, so there’s no reason for me to dwell on them, and yet, it’s all I could think about. It’s still all I think about. Today was the first day this week that I was in a rather jolly mood. It felt good.

But, my bad, sad moods got me to thinking why I had started pushing people away. I started wondering why I had only started including certain people in my life. I started wondering when this had all started. I also started to feel that sense of being alone in the world that I haven’t felt in years. My only solace was when I entered Chamber Choir and got to sit next to my best friend. Only then did I start laughing and joking and making her laugh hysterically.

Sometimes I love being in some classes where I barely talk to the people that are in them with me. But, sometimes it really sucks. This week, it has kind of sucked. I have music to keep me company, but I have to keep reminding myself that the music wasn’t written just for me.

At least I know that in all my loneliness, I have a family that loves me. Even if they are too busy focusing on bigger problems than the ones I face.

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