The only birdie left

I guess I never thought that this part of my life would actually come. I spent so much time looking forward to it yet dreading it at the same time that I didn’t even notice when it actually arrived.

We recently dropped my littlest big brother off at the college where he will spend the next four years of his life. I’m the only bird left in the nest.

I feel sort of abandoned. Alone, scared, confused. I get irritated with my parents very easily now because all of their attention is on me. It’s certainly not a bad thing, but at times it’s not the best thing either. When you go up the stairs in my house, you are faced with a long hallway. Take a right and you’ve got my parents’ and my room along with my daddy’s office. This section is still thriving and full of life. Take a left instead, and you are faced with three empty bedrooms and a bathroom. This is the dead end of the upstairs hallway.

That bathroom is the only good thing that has come out of all this. We recently painted the walls a beautiful brown and got light blue and brown polka-dotted towels. The rest of the bathroom is accented by that beautiful light blue color. It is now all mine. After years of sharing with my brothers, then my parents, then my brothers again, I finally have a bathroom all to myself. The day we moved Adam out, we arrived home and I immediately got crackin’ on that bathroom. I had to clean and scour and scrub all of the yucky boy germs out of it. The vanity now gleams, the cabinet immediately to the right when you walk in is stocked with an extra hand towel, washcloth, toilet paper, and paper towels. On the top shelves are candles, cool-colored lanterns from my room, and an awesome blue twisty light thing that I stole from my brother Jordan’s room (shhhh!). Gone are my brothers’ little bath pouf things, instead where they were hanging I have two of mine taking up space. Gone are their empty shampoo bottles. Instead, only mind are present.

I’m sad that all of my boys are gone. Jordan’s coming back soon, but he’ll leave again, I know. In the meantime, I’m going to cherish not having to put the toilet seat down everytime I need to use the toilet.

I lived today

Creekside ParkI started early, took my bike

and visited the creek.

The sparkles on the water

came out to look at me.

For my new job I am both the writer and the photographer. So, for the story I am working on at this moment I set out early this morning to capture the necessary photographs.

I learned today that it is not all about me. For my job I am merely a bystander capturing happenings in the lives of others. I’m slowly adjusting to the fact that for my future I cannot write about myself, much as I want to. That’s what I have a blog for.

I rode my bike downtown with my rucksack in tow. My rucksack held my camera, two memory cards, Pandora, a bike lock, a notebook or two, a bottle of water and a pen (of course!). I timed myself and found that it took about twenty minutes to get all the way down to St. John’s park with Tilly and the Wall keeping me company the entire way. I got there, was shaking a little bit when I had to lock my bike up, but I swallowed my nervousness and got right to work. I wandered around snapping pictures left and right. 10-15 minutes later, I was finished. I unlocked my bike and rode off into the sunset (okay, not really).

I visited the office where I work and asked for my portfolio back, and then, with that added onto the load I was carrying on my back, I rode on to Tim Horton’s and got myself a well-deserved Iced Cap. The cashier (whose nametag revealed that her name was Hayley and that she was “in training”) told me that she loved my wallet and added an “Emily the Strange, right?” to which I nodded and said “I’m obsessed” and she added in her love for Emily as well. I was planning on staying in the restaurant and writing by myself, but I was surrounded by old people and the weather was too nice out to be inside.

I steered my bike with one hand over to Creekside Park and sat on the cement block that juts out of the ground. I enjoyed my Iced Cap and watched the water. Then I removed my notebooks and pen from my rucksack and added onto the assignment I already started. I sat there on that cement block just enjoying being really alone for the first time in a long time. I wrote a poem that I am really proud of and just enjoyed the little bit of nature hidden in our little village. I discovered that I really like being alone. I didn’t have to talk to anyone. I didn’t have to deal with anyone. I didn’t have to worry whether or not my companion was having a good time or not because, well, I did not have a companion. Some people can’t deal with being alone, but I definitely handle it well.

After my realization I was in such a good mood that I mounted my bike with Tilly in my ears again and took a leisurely ride through the neighborhoods that surrounded me. I probably received several dirty looks for smiling for no reason (nobody seems to smile anymore!) and singing along to the music playing in my ears, but I didn’t care. I couldn’t stop. I haven’t been this happy in a long time. The weather was nice, I used all five of my senses, and I actually lived today. I took a couple hours off from reality and really lived. I enjoyed every minute of it.

Silly little girl

Silly little girl

lost and never found

alone and afraid

mysterious and unknown

silly little girl

Silly little girl

troubled and unaware

biting her lip

tugging on her hair

silly little girl

Silly little girl

tears sprinting from her eyes

hiding them with her hands

she can’t seem to realize

she cannot be a silly little girl anymore

Silly little girl

staring at her feet

not daring to look –

she’s not sure she wishes to meet

the grown-up silly little girl.

Alone

Some people my age might be a little frightened to be home all alone, but I really enjoy it. For a few hours, I can do what I please, which is mostly just writing and reading, but without ANY interruptions. Another plus about being by myself is that I don’t have to fight the urge to burst out in song. I can walk around the house belting my guts out, and not feel self conscious at all. The place I usually sing my heart out is in the shower, but when nobody is around I belt it out wherever. I can sit here at the computer desk, and sing as I type.

Sometimes I feel stupid and wonder if the neighbors can hear my voice, but honestly, who cares if they do? Are they going to come up to me and tell me that they heard me singing? Probably not. I do my best singing when I am all by my lonesome, with only my two dogs and cat to keep me company. They are the only audience that really gets a taste of my voice.

Now, what is it that I sing when I am alone? Well, I belt out whatever meets my fancy. Mostly it’s some Paramore, but we musn’t forget Evanescence, Flyleaf, 1997, Automatic Loveletter, Hawthorne Heights, t.A.T.u., New Years Day, Garbage, and Autumns Monologue by From Autumn To Ashes. I love singing Paramore songs because Hayley’s voice is much like my own, and I love trying to match Amy Lee’s voice whenever I sing My Immortal, Hello, or Lithium. I find it challenging to sing Lacey Mosley’s parts, but I have fun trying.

One of these days, I want to put videos of me singing on YouTube. I like listening to other girls my age singing some of my favorite songs, but I cannot help but think that I could do a better job than they can. Hopefully someday soon, I will be able to prove myself, but I doubt my mother would approve of it. I will probably have to wait until college to begin videotaping myself singing.

Once they pull out of the driveway, I open my mouth and out comes something not very many people have heard. I sing rather conservatively in public, but when I am in the shower, or home by myself, I let it all out. I love getting home from camping because then I can finally lock myself in the bathroom and get all of the singing out I couldn’t do while we were all camping together. I hope to someday make a career out of this little hobby of mine. Only time will tell…