Life, sans explosion

It would be so easy to die.

To stumble into something you shouldn’t have, cross the street in front of a driver who either doesn’t respect pedestrians in a crosswalk or just didn’t see you, firmly grip the wheel yourself and slowly inch into the other lane…

That’s what I thought on Tuesday while driving. Turn the steering wheel a bit, Emily, and everything you’re looking forward to, all your plans… they’re gone.

Let me be clear: I am by no means suicidal. I may have been back during early teenage years, but I never would have had the nerve to actually do something really harmful to myself. These thoughts merely cross my mind from time to time.

While filling up at the pump on the same day, I spilled a little gasoline on my hands and onto my car keys. I had the brief thought of, What if my car blows up when I put the key into the ignition? 

Silly, I know. But it made me pause and reflect as I hit a perfect $36 on the meter. What if?

Would that be okay?

How would the people around me react, namely the creepy old guy checking me out right now?

What would my family do?

What would my friends do? 

I squirted hand sanitizer onto my key and my hands and scrubbed a little bit. I closed my eyes when I turned the key, but Bubbles merely sprang to life, sans explosion. I sighed, opened my eyes, pressed the brake with my right foot and shifted into “Drive.”

Seeing lights in my rearview mirror scares me more than death does. I’d have to deal with the consequences of getting a speeding ticket; if I were to die, that’d be it. Only those I leave behind have to deal with the grief and suffering.

I’m not ready to swerve into the other lane, I’m not ready for this to end… but would it be okay if, by chance, it did? Yeah. I mean, I guess I wouldn’t have a choice; it would have to be okay.

I’ve been on a lot of adventures, I’ve seen a lot of things, I’ve learned more lessons than I can count. I’ve stumbled into love, been forced out of it by my own ambition and life plans and then obsessed over people and ideas I thought were real. I’ve been struck down, tossed around, taken advantage of and then, through careful character rebuilding, been able to bounce back.

The girl who once tried to control everything and fought everything has become a woman who knows her limits, knows when there is no use, knows when to let it be.

A lot can happen in a day. So let it –– whatever it is –– happen. The end could happen at any second.

Predestination

Everything happens for a reason. I totally and truly believe in it.

When I have made my brother and I late to school because I took too much time getting ready, I just think that maybe, because of my lateness, we avoided a fatal car accident. Maybe leaving earlier could have resulted in being forced to drive behind an extremely slow grandpa-driver with no chance of passing due to the double line that could have possibly made us late anyway. Then again, maybe being late isn’t the worst thing in the world. Said slow-driver could actually be saving our lives. Perhaps because we are following behind him at snail speed we are avoiding a collision with another car. Yes, I think about these things.

I am super paranoid all the time. I question myself and whether I have done something or not. “Did you unplug your hair straightener, Em?”

“Yeah…I did…at least I’m pretty sure I did. Wait, can we go back so I can check and make sure?”

With an exaggerated sigh and a moment or two of scolding me, whomever is driving will then turn around and head back home just so I can make sure I unplugged something. Of course, I always unplug my hair straightener, but I am never completely sure, even though I know deep down that I really did. This brings me back to my point of predestination. What if I had left it on and our whole house had burst into flames? What then, huh? If my parents sense a threat to their house or whatever, we turn right around even though it’s always for me and my paranoia. If we hadn’t have turned around we could have been involved in a car accident. I am thinking you can sense my greatest fear by now: death by car accident. I do not want to die whilst shut up in a car.

Predestination. I believe in it and I live by the rules of it. Everything that happens everyday happens for a reason. There is some reason why I am writing on my blog right now, I just don’t know yet. Everything happens for a reason, even if the reason why isn’t very clear.