Oh, the thinks you can think (in 2009)

6/23/2009 –– I know that with every mistake I make comes a lesson to learn, but that doesn’t relieve the sick feeling in my stomach whenever I make one. I don’t like messing up. I am not very partial to making someone disappointed in me; especially someone I care about.

I’ve learned to think before I speak, now I just have to learn how to think before I act. I think I can, I think I can. I will. I am going to. When the next chance arises to act, I am going to think first. It’s time to let that common sense that I claim to possess shine through and help me make important decisions. Wish me luck for my future full of decision-making.

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Without even meaning to, a friend of mine inspired me to browse through posts I’ve saved as drafts over the years. Again, without even meaning to, he inspired me to read through them and try to piece together what was going on when I wrote the drafts. So here goes nothing.

Adam had just graduated from high school. Here I am with my three older brothers:

My dress was rather revealing and I've always suspected Trevor purposely held his program like that over my chest.
My dress was rather revealing and I’ve always suspected Trevor purposely held his program like that over my chest.

I looked back into my archives and found this post, but I don’t know what half the shit I listed even means now.

2009 was also the year Jordan graduated from St. Bonaventure:

We look thrilled.
We look thrilled.

And Grady, Jordy’s Golden Retriever, looked like this:

Baby Grady.
Baby Grady.

And I even have a screenshot of the music I listened to as I wrote that draft on my mom’s iMac:

Screenshot 2014-01-14 14.49.24

As for the content of the post, it’s still pretty accurate. I hate the thought of disappointing people, especially those of whom I feel immense respect for. Like my 15-year-old self, I don’t believe half of the compliments people give me. I’ll always feel like there’s more I can do, more I can be. I didn’t spend much time on the work I produced for my current internship and cringed every time I saw my boss’s name pop up in my inbox. I thought she’d be disappointed with my work. On the contrary, she was thrilled and even invited me back for a second internship this semester.

Thinking before speaking is definitely a newly acquired skill of mine. Who knew it would take me five years to really follow through on those claims I made in that draft? I also think more about what company I’m in and try to tailor what I want to say. There are so many ways one can offend another person without even realizing it. “It’s my mouth I can say what I want to,” Miley sings. Yeah. But sometimes you really really can’t. Sometimes it’s better to say nothing at all. You may not believe me, but I can be quiet. Except when my mom and I are in a silent church and she makes me laugh. But that’s another story.

I don’t know what was going on in my teenage-girl brain in that draft, but at least I know that my age and my life may change, but my values don’t have to.

 

Draft 1 of 97 complete.

The cure

I read a fact on Twitter about a month ago. It concerned Facebook and was something along the lines of: “Women with Facebook profiles tend to have lower self-esteem.”

Needless to say, I deactivated my account later that week.

I’ve been off Facebook for almost a month. It has been a refreshing one. I’m finding that I now spend more time studying, reading and going outside as opposed to logging in to see what my friends are up to. I design more on my computer and blog more. I have more ideas now.

I don’t have low self-esteem, but I wasn’t about to start having it. I built my self-esteem up for years and don’t want anything to bring me down. Facebook brought me down.

The people on Facebook make me angry. One time I clicked on someone I was supposed to have known, via the “People You May Know” tool. Boy, was that an experience. I definitely did not know her, but several of my Facebook friends were friends with her. I decided to check her out. I couldn’t help but screenshot (bet she never thought of someone doing that) one of the statuses this girl posted:

Younger teens like this make me not want to be on Facebook at all. The Facebook profile pictures that popped up on my sidebar showed more tweens than I thought possible, and they’re not mature enough to even have a Facebook account. Kids like this girl on the left are why cyberbullying exists and why thousands of kids commit suicide every year after being harassed on the Internet.

Kids at this girl’s age cannot even spell words or use grammar correctly to get his/her useless point across.

Kids at this girl’s age – including this girl – don’t seem to realize that there are privacy settings on Facebook that he/she might want to look into. Anyone can go in and read what this girl plasters on her wall. If the supposed “dumb bitch” referenced in the status ended up going missing or found dead somewhere, based on Facebook evidence, this girl could be a suspect. The status, not to mention the horrible comments that followed, could be the proof that police need. Yeah, bet she didn’t think of that.

I am disgusted by what people post on a network that was built to help people reconnect. Now it’s just pissing people like me off.

We’re not in high school anymore, fellow members of the Class of 2011, so grow up. What really gets me is when I see photos posted from a party in my hometown in which several college kids are featured. Everyone from my hometown claims that they can’t wait to leave the place and go to college… so why the hell are you going back to party with the high schoolers? It is especially incredulous to me when even older kids still party with kids in high school. Stay at college. Party at a place where you don’t have to think about how you’re going to get home to your parents’ house safely. (Dear Danielle, who the hell are you? Sincerely, Emily.)

Another thing about Facebook: It’s a huge brag fest. Everyone’s trying to one-up everyone else. Parents get involved on Facebook and all they do is brag about their children.

In short, I’m sick of the ever-popular “new hair,” tongue-sticking-out, bathroom pic (oh hey, there’s your toilet!), sky shot (where we can clearly see your arms), “Edited” photos in everyone’s Facebook photo albums. I’m sick of the Iam Anidiot Photography pages, where a kid has instagram on his/her phone and then is suddenly a professional photographer and offers services for senior pictures. I’m sick of living with these people (not necessarily the lovely girls on my floor) and then seeing them in their slutty, “Going Out!” pictures when I log in on Facebook in my bedroom.

I deactivated my Facebook. I’m cured.

Even an inkling

Sometimes I wonder whether or not people possess even an inkling of common sense. The problem is, most don’t.

I’m sick of the Facebook statuses friends of mine are leaving for all to see. They are now in college to prepare for the career that they will probably lead from the time they step out of college to the time they decide they’ve had enough and retire. Do they not realize that leaving the statuses that they do could screw them and everything they’ve worked and paid for over in a matter of minutes? Future employers can access anything on a computer. What you thought you deleted can be brought up again and viewed by someone you might have had the chance to work for otherwise.

I guess my point is, why would someone get drunk and then reach for a computer to check their Facebook?  And why would they then leave a status that they will eventually see when they’re sober and slap themselves for leaving? Oh wait, the people that leave the stupid statuses don’t have enough common sense to realize that leaving a status like that is stupid. Silly me.

I’m sick of seeing someone I once was/am close with being stupid. If you want to go off and get drunk illegally, by all means, be my guest. I honestly couldn’t give a shit. It’s when you gloat about it and try to be cool about it that bugs me. That’s when I wonder if you know what you’re doing. That’s when I wonder if you know that you could be screwing yourself over completely.

“Sexting – and common sense”

“Eighteen-year-old Jessica Logan of Ohio committed suicide after her boyfriend put her naked photos out in public, but it was also girls who bullied and harassed her. The girl who trusted was socially ostracized more than the boy who violated that trust” (Goodman).

I am all about having an opinion, and it just so happens that Ellen Goodman and I share one on this particular subject. This article has helped me confirm the undeniable conclusion that girls are stupid.

Teenage girls get so absorbed in their “significant other” that nothing else is important to them. When the boyfriend texts and says “hey babe can I get some pics?” the girl will usually be more than happy to oblige. She will think he wants me! and give in to anything he asks. Girls want to feel loved, and when a boy feeds a girl what she wants to hear, she is all his.

I have common sense. I think about the consequences of my actions before I go through with them. If I have to think about something for thirty seconds or more, it probably is not a very good idea. I would never take part in this “sexting” because A) it is a stupid thing to do, and B) I do not even own a cellular telephone. Trust is vital, and honestly, most teenage boys cannot be trusted.

The girls who do have trust in someone have to face the consequences they never fathomed before. What really gets me in a tizzy is that boys have a choice. They can be responsible for a girl’s pain, humiliation, and the baby growing inside of her one minute, and then simply walk away the next. The girl is scarred for simply trusting somebody, but the male involved has no visible boo boos.

“Let’s not forget the sexism in sexting” (Goodman). Yeah, don’t remind me.

I’m strongly against all things sexting. Nobody considers the future consequences anymore and it is a shame. One mistake can screw up the whole problem for you on a math test . . . or it can ruin your life; like it did for Jessica Logan.