The personal blog gets personal (isn’t that enticing)

Since this is a personal blog, let’s get a little more personal.

My self-esteem took a blow this past week. I woke up Sunday morning not knowing how I got in my own bed. I still barely remember what happened the night before. Then it hit me. Somebody had to take care of me. 

Me. The self-sufficient be-your-own-person know-it-all.

Me. The girl who doesn’t like losing control.

I lost control. I’ve never lost that much control before.

And now, almost a week later, I still feel like shit about it. I hate that people saw me like that. I hate some of the things I said. I hate that I barely remember.

Now I’m doubting everything about myself. Where did the self-confident Emily go? She must be buried deep under old successes I still live for and old mindsets that I currently do not possess.

I feel like every person is my enemy. Just last week, I walked around campus talking to random people and smiling. I looked up as I walked, since my mom always tells me it exudes confidence. This week, I’ve found it easier to stare at the ground (yes, the sun has been out, but it’s not an excuse I can use). Now I feel like each look is a judgment from other people. I’m afraid people won’t like me. I’m afraid I’ve come off too strong. (Emily didn’t used used to give two shits about this before.)

The happy-go-lucky Emily stepped out for the time being. I wish I could call her back.

So, those of you who do dislike me, you can be happy that the self-confident know-it-all is in hibernation.

Those of you who do care, just smile at me when you see me. It’ll help.

Room of testosterone

People seriously annoy the hell out of me. I lose all hope in humanity sometimes because of stupid people. And maybe this isn’t that big of a deal, but I just feel like ranting right now.

I hate girls that have super light hair and wear super dark eyeliner. It makes them look dead. It makes them look like they have black eyes. It makes them look, well, you get my point. There are also those girls with the side part that makes it look like they have a comb-over. It covers their dead, dark eyes. They have to tilt their head to get it back into place when it falls the way IT’S SUPPOSED TO GO. I hate girls that just don’t seem to get it. It annoys me when girls wear tons and tons of makeup, and yet boys can’t seem to see that. They are obviously self-conscious about their looks, but I guess that boys just eat that shit up. I shouldn’t be concerned about this, because I have a boyfriend who adores me no matter what I look like, makeup or no makeup (usually no), but it still pisses me off. I shouldn’t care about the insecurity of every girl in this world when I am totally secure. But, I do. It’s discouraging and saddening.

I hate girls in general, I suppose. I’d much rather be in a room full of testerone than one of estrogen. I think I’d commit suicide in the estrogen one. I grew up with boys. I’m used to them. Girls are catty… and I hate them.

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Food network: love and hate

For the last four years or so, I have been tuning in to channel fifty to enjoy me some cooking television. Right after school I would watch some Everyday Italian with Giada De Laurentiis, and then stay put for 30 Minute Meals with Rachael Ray. Rachael was always my favorite because she seemed like an everyday person even though she was on a television show that thousands enjoyed. Giada just makes everything sound delicious, even if I don’t like it. Like peppers, for instance. I absolutely LOATHE peppers, but Giada always makes them sound delicious when she is cutting them up. My love for the Food Network began years before Rachael Ray got her own prime time TV show and years before anyone even knew who Giada De Laurentiis was. My brothers made fun of me for watching the Food Network, but I kept on loving it.

With my love for Food Network came my love of cooking. I made dinner whenever I could, always preparing meals I liked so I would not have to eat anything I didn’t want to. Whenever my mom was busy and couldn’t make dinner, I stepped in and helped out. Rachael and Giada made it look so easy, but it was very challenging. Sometimes when I was home alone and preparing a meal, I would stand behind our kitchen island and pretend that I was on a cooking show. Learning to chop like they do was the most challenging, but I got it down and loved the noise my knife made against the plastic cutting board my mother bought me.

I still enjoy cooking, but I do not enjoy the Food Network as much anymore. I loved how Rachael Ray would wear clothes that would make me wonder what the heck she was thinking, but now she is “fashionable” and just not herself (in my opinion). I miss the crazy lady that set her hair on fire and made stupid jokes that I always laughed at. I miss her hair that was shoulder-length and brown with blond highlights. Now her hair has a stylish cut and color, but stylish just doesn’t suit her. Now, everyone knows who she is, and I think that she’s lost herself a little bit in the process. I miss the old Rachael and her kitchen before it got its recent makeover.

Giada has always been the “perfect one” out of my two favorite chefs, but lately she’s become even more perfect. More perfect than I can stand. I just tried to watch her 4:30 show a few minutes ago, but could not stand how big her smile was, or the way she was moving around.

I miss the way things were before Rachael was as famous as she is now, and when Giada wasn’t quite so perfect. I miss coming home from school and enjoying hours of my favorite Food Network shows. I miss my love of cooking that has somewhat diminished. I miss what today I am missing.